Three Words: A Pride Month Spotlight

I knew growing up I was different.

I grew up in a small city in the northeastern part of Indiana that often felt like a small conservative town. Being a child was easy for the most part. Grade school came and went. Middle school was normal. High school was the beginning of changes. I went about every day fitting in. Though not a popular kid, everyone knew me or knew of me. I attended the sports games, enrolled in honors courses, and planned many class events. I dated girls. I became distracted.

I became uneasy with myself.

College was a struggle. My parents moved out of the country, and my siblings were no longer in the same state. I was on my own at 19, and with this distraction inside. I had no outlet and didn't know where to search for one. Instead, I focused my energy on surviving. I worked full-time and put myself through college. I adopted a puppy to have something to love and care for. I did everything I could to avoid confrontation. I neglected that one person.

I became unhappy with myself.

My friends started to notice my outbursts. They were minor but noticeable and even worse when I had a few too many drinks. I would snap at them. Ignore their pleas to let them drive me home. I even pulled out my pocket knife at them several times. They were empty threats. I knew I was not going to hurt anyone…not my finest moments in life. Yet, I kept it inside. I felt trapped.

I had to get myself away.

After college, I decided to move to a bigger city. The fear of continuing life in a small conservative town was not ideal. Bigger and taller buildings, more people, different mindset, new start. I had hoped a change in scenery would help. However, the distraction was still there. I went back to my survival mode. I kept my mind occupied with work, video games, and material things—anything to avoid confrontation. I went out only to pretend to enjoy the company and pass the time, so people would think everything was okay. I was lying to my friends.

I was lying to myself.

 "I do not have time for negativity; I am too busy with the positive things in my life." I cannot recall where I heard this, but it struck me. Lying to myself was a negative. Not being true to myself was a negative. Not allowing myself to be happy was a negative. I was blind to seeing all the positive things in my life. I had made it this far on my own. First in my family to obtain a Bachelor's Degree. I had my own apartment, my own car. I had a dog that loved me unconditionally. I had (have) an amazing and supportive group of friends—too many positive things to list. I was tired of the distraction. I was tired of the confrontation. I had had enough.

I was ready.

I asked my best friend to meet me at a restaurant. We sat down and ordered our drinks and dinner. I thanked him for meeting me. I thanked him for being my friend. Conversation flowed. The next three words I said would change my life. I am here today because of them. Those words made me happy, proud, and even more determined. I no longer care what others think about me. I found myself that night at dinner at the age of 25.

I am gay.